Like most people, i find myself lying in bed at night wondering what i could have done different. Sometimes i feel happy, sometimes i think of something impossible and then sometimes i hate myself. Ive actually found that most of the time i hate myself for something i did. Like today when we were climbing up a mountain, and i had Ty in one arm, a watebottle or two and a camera on the other. And Craig ever so gentlemanly says, "Here, would you like some help?" Of course i say, "No ive got it" (because id rather be miserable and just soak up my patheticness all the way down Mt Magazine.) Then when he takes the bag i blurt out, "You sure take control of things dont you?" So UNBELIEVABLY rude and untrue! Truth be told, he's probably one of the most laid back people ive ever met. I'm truly lucky he still loves me for the way i am.
Oh, you think im being silly, right? Well, how about a few minutes ago when i yelled at my son because he's been a bit on the braty side for most of this vacation. I couldnt believe the things i told him. "You are spoiled rotten! I hate the way you treat me!" Maybe he doesnt mean to do it. One part of me thought. But another part of me couldnt stop yelling. "You never let me do anything! my life revolves around everything you ever need and want." (please understand im really not a selfish person and im really not crazy. just deprived of grown up things) Also, i was yelling at him because i wanted to get in the hot tub. Id been lagging him around all day on the trail, then to the restaurant (where i get tons of help from my family), then to swim at the lake and showering that sand off between our toes, then back to dinner again. All i wanted to do is get in that hot tub and sit and just spend some time with just me and Craig.
Alas, 80 degrees was just "too hott! this is lameo! i hate this! i hate you. let me out" (Words of Tyler)
But you know, it hurts me. im not going to even try to butter it up for ya. It hurts me that he cant even try to compromise with me on anything we do. Its his way or the highway. I watch cartoons all day when we have the tv on, i play games when im not doing that, i discipline him, homeschool him, cuddle him when he's scared, fix all of his booboos. I just wanted to get in that freaking HOT TUB for crying out loud. Yes, i am immature. and i blame myself for it. Truth be told, im even starting to think its my fault he's this way. I blame myself for his poor eating habbits. I blame myself for those tantrums he still throws even though he's almost four. i blame myself for his inability to try new things. I blame myself for the fact that i realize, he's just like me.
I'm looking in a mirror, and i never even knew it, until this weekend.
And through it all, "I am certain that not life nor death nor height or depth nor angels can keep us away from God's everlasting love for us." Romans 8:38
I think we all go through this type of thinking, my dear. We're only human, even if we are moms. ;-)
ReplyDeleteWhat's really cool is that the Lord is teaching us these things about ourselves. Like, if you were really immature and selfish you wouldn't even realize you were, right? So you are already doing better than you realize! lots of love to you and yours!