# 22 You came into my life, and i thought hey you know this could be something

four years ago today, i was cuddling a sweet newborn baby in my arms in those first few precious moments. Well, what little i could because Daddy wanted all of the snuggle time! : )

On tyler's birthday i always especially remember all of the pain i went through to bring him into this world. 13 hours of it. i remember the thoughts that seaped into my nervous system. especially around three hours before his birth when i looked at Craig and said, "this is what it takes to bring one soul into the world?!" yeah i know. i'm lame.

But then when i saw those bright blue eyes for the first time and felt the warmness of his untouched skin against me, i had no idea my heart would never be the same. i wanted everything for him. complete fairness in life. i wanted everyone to show him kindess. more than anything i wanted to give him a super mom whose only weakness is the ability to love him too much.

Then you learn, you can't do that. i'd say im a pretty good mom and im pretty sure ive never really let him down. he's my first thought every morning before i can open my eyes and my last thought when i go to bed at night. What i have learned is that knowing your weaknesses as a mother can make you stronger. At least as strong as you're gonna be. Sure, i'm way too sensitive to be a mother. i am too competitive with other moms. I embarass him in front of his friends. Sometimes i accidently start to put his shoe on the wrong foot. But like his shoe, i can fix it and tweak it until i learn more..

One thing that no one told you about parenthood:
Cause Honey there is no such thing as perfection. : )

# 50 All grown up

It's been a long time since ive had any time to write anything but philosophy and world literature papers. But i'm back! ; ) Anyway, recently Tyler did his christmas program at church. He was standing on stage next to his bff Kiley and singing like an angel when i realized something. He's just a little over a week and a half from being four years old. I just can't believe it!


I remember thinking when he was a newborn, as id watch videos of baby Craig running around in the yard that it would be forever and 1,000,000 days until Ty-Ty was doing that. It's kind of hard to imagine your infant being social, wanting to be loved, and playing with other kids their own age. But, then after day after day of playing, growing, and nurturing there suddenly comes a time where they don't want you around much anymore.

The funny thing is i never would have guessed how much Tyler cares about his looks. he's going to be one of those boys. Now its always, "Mom, does my hair look good? I just rubbed some gel in it and i want it to look nice."
I also wouldve never imagined how many girls would be pleading for his attention or to hold his hand. Or how good at art he would be. His teacher believes he's got the art capabilities of an eight year old.

Then i relaize when you have a baby for the first time and you hold them tight in those blue and pink blankets you have no idea what kind of person they will become. A doctor? a fire fighter? a loner? But, you do have control of how much they are in church and are guided by God's word through their lives. So no matter where their life may take them, you know they are never going to far from what they learned in Tiny tots class at church.

# 5 you will blame yourself

Like most people, i find myself lying in bed at night wondering what i could have done different. Sometimes i feel happy, sometimes i think of something impossible and then sometimes i hate myself. Ive actually found that most of the time i hate myself for something i did. Like today when we were climbing up a mountain, and i had Ty in one arm, a watebottle or two and a camera on the other. And Craig ever so gentlemanly says, "Here, would you like some help?" Of course i say, "No ive got it" (because id rather be miserable and just soak up my patheticness all the way down Mt Magazine.) Then when he takes the bag i blurt out, "You sure take control of things dont you?" So UNBELIEVABLY rude and untrue! Truth be told, he's probably one of the most laid back people ive ever met. I'm truly lucky he still loves me for the way i am.

Oh, you think im being silly, right? Well, how about a few minutes ago when i yelled at my son because he's been a bit on the braty side for most of this vacation. I couldnt believe the things i told him. "You are spoiled rotten! I hate the way you treat me!" Maybe he doesnt mean to do it. One part of me thought. But another part of me couldnt stop yelling. "You never let me do anything! my life revolves around everything you ever need and want." (please understand im really not a selfish person and im really not crazy. just deprived of grown up things) Also, i was yelling at him because i wanted to get in the hot tub. Id been lagging him around all day on the trail, then to the restaurant (where i get tons of help from my family), then to swim at the lake and showering that sand off between our toes, then back to dinner again. All i wanted to do is get in that hot tub and sit and just spend some time with just me and Craig.

Alas, 80 degrees was just "too hott! this is lameo! i hate this! i hate you. let me out" (Words of Tyler)

But you know, it hurts me. im not going to even try to butter it up for ya. It hurts me that he cant even try to compromise with me on anything we do. Its his way or the highway. I watch cartoons all day when we have the tv on, i play games when im not doing that, i discipline him, homeschool him, cuddle him when he's scared, fix all of his booboos. I just wanted to get in that freaking HOT TUB for crying out loud. Yes, i am immature. and i blame myself for it. Truth be told, im even starting to think its my fault he's this way. I blame myself for his poor eating habbits. I blame myself for those tantrums he still throws even though he's almost four. i blame myself for his inability to try new things. I blame myself for the fact that i realize, he's just like me.

I'm looking in a mirror, and i never even knew it, until this weekend.

And through it all, "I am certain that not life nor death nor height or depth nor angels can keep us away from God's everlasting love for us." Romans 8:38

# 3 Dear Lord, things will get easier someday, right?

This weekend was a blast! After planning, shopping and stress this fourth of July was one of the best I have ever had with Tyler. And drum roll please...Tyler is offically 3 and a half today! : )

I know, i'm crazy for counting down a birthday for six months but maybe its just a piece of me that can't help but think, "Dear Lord its Casey again. And I have just one thing to ask. Will it ever get any easier? If so it is probably worth the wait, right? Amen."

But to pass the time until then I'm going to list a few ways that Tyler has most definately gotten easier. Don't get me wrong, I love him so very much! But some ages are a little bit difficult to get through. Then i realized something this week. Don't worry i won't leave you hanging for long but for now i want to say that
I'm grateful that..

# 1-He lets me have twenty minutes to myself most of the time to work out, take a shower or just watch a show he may not be interested in.

#2-He uses super big words and impresses everyone he meets by how smart he is. Craig has even taught him how to count to fifteen to say his alphabet and he knows all of his colors.

#3-He is very social. For all moms out there you know what im talking about..those silly fears that you get knowing you can't protecting your child from everything...not even from dangerously mean and selfish five year olds. Don't let that adorable smile fool you! Kids are evil sometimes. It made me want to cry to think of Tyler going to school all by himself without me there to show him how to make friends (Im a professional by now right?) I couldn't show him which of the kids i could see hurting his feelings in the future and tell him to avoid them. Simple words from God can help anyone face their fears, "Above all trust God."

#4-He loves God with all his heart, soul, mind and strength. He tells strangers at walmart, "I'm happy today because i've got jesus in my heart." He always wants to read bible stories and he spends spare time praising the Lord by singing.

This week at vbs, there were three little boys who were pretty much horrible the entire time. (This is coming from the pushover teacher) And i kept wondering to myself why in the world they acted this way. They were at least 6 years old, and they were running and screaming and not listening. Thats when i realized "Whats age got to do got to do with it?" (insert whats love got to do with it song)Actually, im starting to think all ages of children come with great difficulty. But with parents that keep pushing their children for excellence and a great amount of God's love and teaching behind it, things may get tough but there is one person who is alawys always always going to be there..and thats God.

# 2--> They will always be your baby

Sometimes just being there is all that matters. And if anybody knows about being there its Dad. Maybe its something Dads pass down to their sons and their sons and so forth. Whatever makes them do some of the most important things for kids is truly a blessing. Here are just a few examples of how Dad's everywhere show being there is not just a gift to you as a Dad but to your sweet baby, even as they grow into adults. It really is true when parents say, "You know, you'll always be my baby."

Let's play ball, dad- Whether your kids are getting fired up for cheerleading, tap dancing, or sliding into home plate, Dad would never miss it. Even if that means working late, a ton more stress,driving an extra 50 miles or missing his favorite game on tv, no matter what...Dad's gonna be there.

Hold me, Daddy- Three year olds can have bad days just like anyone else. Believe me, nothing helps a bad day more than burrying their face into Daddy's chest. They hold them so tight that it seems like nothing in the world could ever harm them. Daddy is our shield.

Break me off a piece of that kit kat bar, Dad.- Its so funny to me, how Tyler never seems to want to share anything. But, as soon as Daddy buys him a candy bar he always insists on sharing it with him. It may be a while before Tyler shares with the world on his own, but sometimes starting in simple places leads people to the biggest and best places of all. Sure, Tyler may never be President of the United States but i know that as long as Dad shows him the way he will be a truly wonderful person.


There's probably not enough space in this endless textbox for me to write why Dad is so amazing. But im pretty sure theres some good spiritual reasons behind it. So break off a piece of that kit kat bar with your dad. Pray with him. Slide into home plate with him right behind you in the bleachers. Enjoy your favorite movie together. Whatever you do, just know you'll always be their baby.



"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as i'm living,
my baby you'll be." - "Love you forever"

# 1 thing no one told you about parenting -->The Scream

If you have ever been in the room with a child from the ages of 1-4 you probably have heard some very special things. A blood curteling scream, fists pounding against the floor, a light giggle or some of the wisest things you have ever heard.

Here is usally how a day with a three year old goes...
(Right after they wake up approx 8 am)
Sometimes they say really sweet words that make your heart flutter. And when you're their mama it makes you want to cry. But then you snap back to reality and know how blessed you are.
eg: "Momma you are my very best friend. I miss you every time i dont see you."

(3 hours later approx 11 am)
By this time its been a while since they have had anything really fun to do. Sucking up to mom and dad isn't quite getting the reaction it did at first. Here comes the fun. You know, jumping off of your couch and nearly breaking their neck.Mom keeps getting onto them. Running around like they were raised by wolves and bumping their heads into every jagged corner. Eventually, both of you are slowly starting to loose it. The Question is...who loses it first?

(3 pm)

Sometimes you get lucky. And the Kid doesn't freak out. But most of the time you better watch your back, and invest in some ear plugs.

My Son Tyler enjoys screaming. I'm almost sure of it. He screams when he's happy. He screams when he's sad. He screams when he's laughing. He screams when he's anxious and sometimes i feel like my poor throbbing ears may explode.

Thats when i start to tease him. "You sound like a crop duster (a farm airplane) hovering over me, but you're just not quite sure if you want to crash into me or not." Then, he screams some more.

Momma looses it first. Ten Points for team Tyler.

Its funny sometimes how people always say, "enjoy him while he's this young and small." But somedays i just want to laugh in their face. I love him more than anything and yet the scream that is about as appealing as spoiiled milk will hopefully become either a repressed or distant memory.

I'll catch you, Tyler

Last week, i took Tyler to the park. He was so excited! Especially because he was going to take his big boy bike to the park and ride the bike trails with his best friend Zachary. As i got his bicycle out of the car, his friend walked up and put his arms around Tyler. I just couldn't get over how good it is to see him with friends. I mean--real friends. The kind that have your back. The kind that stand up for you, or don't leave you even if you've got a huge popsicle stain on your shirt.

Zachary and Tyler got on their bikes right away, and they slipped ahead of me just a bit. They were weaving, from one curve to the next until Tyler got the idea that it would be fun to go fast. (Note:: He is his father's child. Anything fast is a must)He kept swerving, squealing and loosing control until he crashed into a tree ahead of him.

He just starred at me for a second. Honestly, i was scared to move. I didnt want to embarass him like i usually did by going mother bear on him. He looked back at Zach and said, "Zachary, im hurt. rescue me!" Out of nowhere, as if his spider senses were tingling Zach braked that Diego bicycle of his and jumped off and ran to Tyler's rescue. He gave him a big hug and told him, "Ty, as long as you get back on its all good."

He fell off again, and again. But Zach was so patient, and loving and good to him. He gave Tyler something to believe in.

Good friends are hard to find. Especially, when you remember the silly fights you got into with your friends. And how they hurt you sometimes. Thats why as a mom you know that even the good ones will dissapoint you. But, by giving your kid the chance to get out there and find at least one true special friend, means that your giving them more than your risking. Your teaching them to be vibrant.

Because sometimes, being a mom means risking your own feelings to let your child go out and discover their own with someone special. Whether its a friend, a girlfriend or boyfriend, or learning that sometimes your mom can be your best friend of all, that is, after they've grown up.